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Some of the best and worst excuses, denials, defenses and alibis
Excuses, alibis and denials come in all shapes, and sizes with varying amounts of truth, ranging from nuthin' but the truth to total fabrication, or imagination, depending on whether you're the excuser or the excusee.
An FYI for my younger
readers: There's nothing new under the sun, or at least not much. Your parents
have heard it all before, probably as it spilled from their own mouths. That's
not to say that a finely crafted, well thought out excuse or denial isn't
appreciated. I personally have been known to award points for creativity. So,
what are the components of a good excuse? What separates the mundane from the
magnificent? What works and what doesn't? Let's just examine these questions,
but first......
A GREAT BIG WARNING AND DISCLAIMER
DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME!!!! For the most part, the excuses, denials and alibis used on this page were thought up by some of the most devious juvenile minds in the free world. Usage of any of this material may result in loss of your amateur status. In other words, the dog can't eat your homework ever again. You don't want that kind of responsibility.
Once a week, or when ever I get around to it, we'll analyze a different excuse, assessing it's value. Let's start with........
Rita's All Purpose Excuse #37
I got stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the (insert name of closest Supermarket/Drug Store) and had to wait for the crew with the Jaws of Life to return from an emergency involving two consenting adults and a tub of Lime Jell-O.
Critique: Gotta' give major props for this one! Meets all the criteria. Well thought out, grammatically correct, just the right amount of information and very inventive. Before using an excuse like this, one would want to take mind of a few things.
#1. Know Your Excuser. Are they prone to jump in the car or on the phone to
verify the facts? Chances are they aren't going to check out the Lime Jell-O
incident for fear of discovery but they might make sure that the blood pressure
machine exists. One might want to verify that fact before using it.
#2. Keep It Brief. One of
the most common mistakes is giving too much information. When you suspect that
the excuse is working, Shut Up! Acceptance is not a signal to keep going. You
may be overcome with unspeakable joy and develop the propensity to embellish,
save it for your next English paper.
#3. Practice Your Delivery.
The excuse being examined should have been presented with a sense of wonder,
amusement and joie de vivre. This is fascinating stuff. Be fascinated. Convey
your fascination. This will be of great importance for #4.
#4. Distract. A truly successful excuse will shift focus from the need for the excuse. If Lime Jello, consenting adults and the Jaws of Life can't do that, you've perhaps pushed your Excuser too far and you best move on.
Rating:
All in all an acceptable excuse with no major flaws. I give it one angel.
This
rating means they'll buy it - you're home free
This rating means they may not buy it - but
they're not really sure
This rating means they will not buy it - call the
kings horses & his men
Got an excuse, alibi or denial you'd like for Mom to critique? Just send it to Mom@Itsmom.com
with the subject line Excuse. Be warned, you and your excuse might end up on
this page, making it impossible to ever use said excuse again. Can you handle
that?
Mom
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